woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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