there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
