My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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