Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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