Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
