Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
