The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
