Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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