If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
