I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
