i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
