You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It was confusing and full of hummus
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
