Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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