Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Randomize
