I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
