i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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