Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
They have beer where we have blood.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
