The maid of honor just puked.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dignity is for republicans.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
