my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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