I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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