I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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