Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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