you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
