I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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