dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
