i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
