Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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