i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
