Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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