Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
