I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
