When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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