I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
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I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize