I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
