u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
