Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
