Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.