You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him