i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍