saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.