I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
NoShamevember. You game?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
