the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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