GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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