i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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