i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
