I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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