Please, let me fuck your mom
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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