I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Michael Bay diarrhea
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
