You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
