i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
