nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
