Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
