i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
