im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
