I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
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I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.