Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
