John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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