the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
