She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
