You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
