I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
