I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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