Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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