I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
