I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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