My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
