hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
